This is the last pic I took of Kacie. It is in Mimi's hallway. She is making a gang sign as I was about to leave. This was her way of joking around. Saying "Peace out yo" The picture was taken sometime in February of 2008 less then a few weeks before she passed away. The strange thing about this night was that night her and I decided to just hang out at Mimi's house get a bottle of wine and play dress up. She always loved when i would do her make up and then I would take pics of her and myself modeling. We liked doing girly things :) Anyway... her and I had not hung out doing things like this in a quite some time because we both had been busy with other things in our life. So I called her up and I was like lets just hang out like old times get some wine and do our makeup all crazy and take some pics. She was ecstatic and loved the idea. We also called Vince to hang out with us. When Kacie and I lived in Meadow Lane on Wilkens Avenue we would hang out with Vince all the time. It was always us 3 together and was for a long time even after we both left Meadow Lane. They had dated for a couple years and even after they broke up remained good friends. Of all the millions of times the 3 of us had hung out we had never taken any pictures all 3 of us together... on this night we must have took over 50 pictures of us or so on my camera. Kacie and I have plenty of pics together but we never really had any of us and Vince too. We were just acting like goofballs taking funny pics the whole time. We had a great time. I just think it was really special that we were able to do that before she left this life. Just like Kacie's parents (living so far away) were able to come up and visit a few weekends before as well. There were a lot of little things that happened up to the point that everyone else went through too. I have always been confused about my own spiritual beliefs... and what happens and why does it happen... experiencing the loss of Kacie has definetly lead me to believe that there is some sort of higher being.. I don't know who and I doubt I ever will but I do believe in energy and I often question if things do happen for a reason as the famous saying goes. But I just can't understand why something so tragic would be meant to happen. I am so grateful for the time I had with Kacie it is just very hard to accept the lack of her physical existance. Most of the time when I go about my days, weeks and months... I try to stay busy and I think my mind sometimes just processes things as Kacie is just busy, away on vacation or moved somewhere far away. But then things come back into focus time to time throughout the day and it is very upsetting and it feels as if I am coming to a realization for the first time all over again. I know this is a very long process that we all are going through and it will take lots and lots of time to get better. I am trying to get through day by day the best that I can. This blog has really helped me more then I ever thought. It has been such a great thing to share stories with everyone, friends and family... to be able to share stories of all the years of Kacie's life from an infant to teen to young adult. It keeps Kacie's spirit alive.... and everyone has shared so many memories with Kacie that it would take forever between all of us to ever tell all of them. So I look forward to continue reading everyone elses memories and being able to share my own. I also look forward to comparing all of our dreams and seeing if we are having any common messages from Kacie. This was a long blog... but I just started typing and it all had to come out. On a lighter note here are some of the goofy shots we had took that night...
4 comments:
Hey Natalie,
Great posting. I believe that Kacie is just taking a little rest and we'll see her again at the resurrection. She was spared a great deal of pain. She was making bad life decisions and was headed for a great deal of trouble.
Hi Natalie, Thanks for posting the pictures. The first one reminds me so much of how she looked the last time we saw her alive. I am so glad you got to spend some time together like old times. I know this sounds sad, but the last thing I said to her before we left to go back to S.C. was I love you. We were leaving real early in the morning, and she was still sleeping. I know everyone has their own beliefs and way of thinking, but from what ive learned, i think i will see her again in the resurrection. If I didn't have this hope, I don't think I could go on. The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible gives alot of insight into the meaning of life. There is a scripture that says time and unforseen occurences befall us all, so I don't think her death was meant to be. Anyway, at the risk of sounding too preachy, I will close, but I do get a lot of comfort in believing this.
You managed to sum up my feelings perfectly natalie. more often than not, it just feels like kacie is away, maybe visiting south kackilacki. but it doesn't feel like she's gone to me. and then there are definitely moments that i just feel it, and its awful. I guess its sort of an ignorance is bliss thing. i don't mind thinking that she's just on a trip, because it's easier, and in this situation, i have no problem taking the easy way out.
Little things remind me of her throughout my day. The little fisherman figurine we won in ocean city is problem my favorite little "memory" of her. It's just so dumb and silly and cheap. I started a new sketchbook last night and that was the first thing I drew. the drawing ended up looking sort of sinister and dark...but I think kacie would like it.
It sounds silly, but my biggest disappointment is the new season of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (have i mentioned this before??) Kacie and I used to love watching the show together, and we had countless phone conversations where we essentially just repeated her standup routine. I can't tell you how many myspace comments i got from kacie that just said "jesuschristhangingoffthecrossjohnandalltheapostles!"....which I hope she is laughing at right now. Every time the show comes on I want to reach for my phone to text her like i used to. She didn't have cable at Mimi's so I'd fill her in on what was going on. When kathy's dad died I remember kacie and I talking about it and being really sad until finally she said "we talk about her like we know her...i wish we knew her." we were a little lame together sometimes. :)
as for there being a reason...i just told natalie this in a text, but there is a line from the play Evita that I think of in connection with what happened to kacie. "the choice was mine and mine completely, i could have any prize that i desired. i could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire. or else, or else i could choose time." I think given the choice, kacie would have chosen the splendor.
I miss that little stinker
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